The pandemic has stolen so much from different areas of peoples lives. It has kept people locked away from family, friends and social gatherings. It has left people isolated, alone and battling some personal demons.
Now, even though we are by no means clear of this deadly disease we can live a semi normal life again thanks to vaccines.
The early days of our country plagued with Covid 19 I battled my thoughts and dreams of losing my boys over and over. Being aware of how precious life is during the pandemic sent my head in a million different directions and to dark places.
I have a precious family. How would I cope if anything happened to any of them.
In the past number of months I have faced some of my fears I have revisited some of those places that hold memories to painful to return too.
I’m ashamed to say it, but I found it hard to visit and tend to Zac’s resting place after Patrick’s death, purely in the disbelief that lightning struck our family twice and I couldn’t separate the events that were so familiar. I took stock and have tenderly looked after his grave again, reconnecting to the memories I had been blocking out for the past 5 years. I’ve taken pride in my first lost son’s resting place and have spent a lot of time talking to him again.
We also managed to escape the island and returned to a place that I hold so dear with my memories of Patrick. I was at my happiest in this place as I carried Patrick safely within my body. I first returned alone at sunrise and cried. I cried for all I had lost, all I am missing and all our shattered dreams.
Then I returned days later with my precious rainbows and stood over looking the water. As I held their little hands in mine, I told them how Patrick was here with me before and how happy I was then. In that moment I felt a new connection and new realisation.
Now home still in the mist of the current wave of this pandemic I’ve decide it’s my time, time to invest in myself, time to give it all to me. I have a focus, I have a need. In this moment I have courage, the courage to build on the new me. I don’t know if I can pull it off, but right now I feel I have the strength too. I’ve got my beautiful family and my two boys with me on this journey of self discovery again. I can do this……
I always tell my precious living children Dream, Believe, Achieve, now I’m telling myself…. With my family spurring me on with support let’s do this….