This week marks another big milestone for my family. Abbie my first rainbow baby headed off to secondary school. It’s made me think back to 12 years ago when she was just a few months old and the loveliest feelings she made me feel, she always gave double hugs, double kisses, my complete little wing woman. I have always said she made up for all I lost out on with Zac. Now she is an outgoing, confident young lady who I have a very special bond with.
I thought back then in 2006 my family was complete. But it wasn’t. Fast forward 9 years and it was the first week in Sept 2015 I discovered the precious cargo I was carrying was a boy. I skipped out of my scan on top of world, thanking the stars we had been blessed with another boy and this time it was going to be different. I was just about to by pass the danger zone the dreaded week I had lost Zac knowing this baby was perfect and I had nothing to worry about.
I trusted all that was said to me, as I believed their had been significant improvements in maternity care since I had lost Zac, although I was increasingly worried about being 10 years older.
Sharing the news with Paul was one of highlights of my pregnancy with Patrick as he was unable to attend that scan. The glint that lit up in his eyes filled me with a tremendous sense of accomplishment of being his wife giving him another son, a glint that would be cruelly extinguished in only a short period of time.
Zac should be starting 2nd year in secondary school and I often wonder what would he have been like. He looked so much like his older brother Jamie. Would he be into computer games? Would he be sporty like his big brother, would they have an inseparable bond like brothers have full of rough and tumble.
Telling the kids they were getting a new brother sent such huge rip waves of excitement through the house. Jamie especially couldn’t wait, it was like the years since losing Zac had become less painful. Jamie spoke often of how he was going to steal him away to his bedroom after he was born. We joked how Patrick was so active on the inside he was going to be a better footballer than his brother.
I love each of my children deeply, truly, wholeheartedly but it’s so hard when pieces of your jigsaw are missing. My heart aches so heavily for Patrick. What I wouldn’t give to see him smile, to see his eyes, to hear is little voice.
What I have of him will never be enough. I will always ask …..Why me? Why us? ……I will never have that answer.
For the rest of my life I must face milestones. Milestones that were never to be for my boys. Sometimes I wonder will I ever be able to face these empty milestones over and over. I am blessed to have 5 healthy living children but nothing will ever fill the void of the pieces that are missing.
I look to the stars and ask will I ever wake up from this nightmare? Can I live with the weight of this grief burdened down on me.