As we head into another new year I am poised to speak my mind. I held onto a lot of dirty laundry so to speak since the death of Patrick almost 3 years ago. But as 2019 is about to grip us all I have to clear the air I have found a new clarity in my life to help me move forward on this never ending rollercoaster of grief.
In the early days of our loss I allowed people reluctantly back in to our lives people who were not good for my family or even to have any sort of relationship with. Why…… because of the false promise of building bridges when a tragic situation can throw you together most unexpectedly.
Some showed their true colours very quickly by using the loss of our son as their own personal tragedy. Playing it out on social media as if it was their loss when in fact if Patrick had of lived they would not have been involved in his life.
I bit my tongue as those close to me told me what was going on. I was not capable of dealing with someone else’s drama of dragging sympathy out of our grief so I chose to ignore it.
In the run up to a charity ball we organised in memory of Patrick some others chose to have a stab at me personally on a social media group. In turn showing me the disgusting manner that certain people had of completely disrespecting my son’s memory. This was upsetting but again I bit my tongue.
Then there is one person who has made outlandish allegations to others, probably thinking I would never hear about them. Some of these allegations a direct attempt to cause personal hurt or damage my marriage. This in particular infuriated me but again I bit my tongue.
And finally there are those who have let my living children down since they’ve become part of their lives in the aftermath of their brothers death. I should have never doubted myself as a mother to why I never had them involved in the first place.
Saying all this helps me to let go of all this unnecessary hurt that others have caused. I will not carry this burden or these people in to another year. I have spent so much time in recent weeks with people who are my true family & friends and these will be the people I choose to surround myself with in 2019.
I have given life to 7 beautiful children, 5 who share in our life in this living world and 2 who were not meant for this world but are with us every minute of every day.
Losing a child is unlike losing anyone else. You will always remain vulnerable no matter how hard you fight back. You will always have a piece of your puzzle missing, you will carry the burden of your loss until the day you die. No amount of moving on or letting go will ever change this.
To all bereaved parents,
Surround yourselves with those who truly love you and you love too.
Don’t be afraid of the whisperers they haven’t lost what you have.
Don’t carry others pain, your burden is big enough.
Kindness goes along way on this journey of loss.
Continue to follow your dreams and make your angels proud, let them be your guide.
Sending love, light and hope to all for 2019
Patrick’s & Zac’s Mommy xxx