My Heavy Heart 

I have written so much about time and and the time for us that was never to be. So here I write again 7 days away from Patrick’s 2nd birthday. 

The year has passed quicker than I could ever have imagined much faster than the first. All because I had to take control of my life and try to learn how to live again. This past year has opened and closed doors for me. It has brought joy and many other personal challenges. The birth of Patrick’s little sister caught us all in the bubble of newness, beauty, innocence & love. While we all relished in the delight of our new arrival I fought a very dark battle with myself. I fought the pre loss me.

For a long time I hardly recognised myself. I longed to be the once confident outgoing person I used to be but that was impossible. The anxiety that has enveloped my life since Patrick’s death has left the consequences of living in fear of bad things happening to me and my family. The fear of sleeping and reliving the horror of losing Patrick again and again. I don’t know if I will ever get past this trauma. 

I lead a double life, the life I live behind closed doors and the life I live as others perceive it. The doer, the professional, the friend, the mom and the wife. It’s very difficult to let others see you are still broken as sometimes they won’t have the courage to stick around to support you. 

Our rainbow Hope has helped me be a parent again, she has helped me be a mom again to my older children as this is something I lost sight of in the aftermath of Patrick’s loss. She has given me reason to make plans to look to the future to build my family up and try to be the best mom I can.

These last few days have filled me with the dread of dates that will haunt me for a lifetime February 9th my due date that came and went, February 14th the day Patrick’s heart stopped beating, February 16th the day I met my beautiful still sleeping prince. Finally, February 19th the day we said our final goodbyes. 

The loss of my boys has filled me with different emotions. The loss of Zac left me with a heavy heart of sadness & grief but Patrick’s loss I am still unable to put into words as the effect on my life has changed me forever.

To my beautiful boy as you spend your 2nd birthday amongst the stars. 
I love you now.

I love you always.

I love you forever.

I will continue to miss you every single day.

I will remember every small detail about you. 

I will remember how your skin felt against mine. 

I will remember how I tenderly kissed every inch of you. 

You will always be mine. 


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