It’s been 2 years and 10 months since we met our beautiful boy. I’ve been spending a lot of time recently with like minded people,other bereaved parents, my new friends.

That’s important this time of year, many of us struggle with our losses as it reminds us of what we should have had to look forward too. But for us it’s an emptiness that can never be filled.

For many loss moms and dads the What ifs… are pulling at their heart strings. For me this year it’s a sense of wonderment surrounds my days in the run up to Christmas.

This will be our 14th Christmas without Zac and 3rd without Patrick.

I realise my situation will never change as much as I wish I could wake up and my 2 boys are here by my side.

I wonder what they would be like now.

Zac, a moody teenager into computer games like his big brother and maybe a sportsman too. Would he be tall and look like his Dad. With blue eyes and quick wit like his sisters. Would he have a girlfriend and be asking me for extra money to buy her a Christmas present or would he be saving his money for the latest pair of outrageously priced runners. Giving me cheek and not forgetting that all important mom kiss as he runs out the door. I can visualise it all when I sit with my thoughts. Is this his gift to me?

Now for Patrick, would you be an over active toddler keeping me on my toes, shouting the loudest so you catch my attention in the crowd that are your siblings. Would you be singing Jingles Bells and telling me your a good boy and Santa is bringing you the biggest surprise or would I be threatening that Santa only comes to good boys and girls. Would you love to curl up beside me on my bed or sofa for magical stories as we adventure through the pages of book. Would I be able to delight you with my voice changes and enthusiasm as you allow me to interpret the story to you. Would you be excited and able to keep the secrets surrounding your sisters birthdays over the Christmas as you would have help picked their presents and something special from you too. Would you choose me to run to when you are hurt or upset or would it be the safety of your Daddy’s arms. Would Daddy and I be wrestling you for the best cuddles. Would you be a cuddle monster or little Mr Independent.

These thoughts which cause me to wonder, to imagine, to live again, as these thoughts allow me to let go of the anger surrounding my loss.

As I sit and write with tears streaming down my cheeks tonight. They are not tears of sadness they are tears of pure love. Love I have within for me for my boys that has nowhere to go.

As we spend another Christmas without you. I choose to believe you are with me that our bond is powerful, binding and never ending. I hope you know that as we leave another year behind and approach both your birthdays, we will never forget you, we will never stop remembering you and we will always love you.

Mom, Dad, Jamie, Chloe, Sophie, Abbie & Hope xxx

Love, light & Strength to all loss Moms & Dad this coming Christmas & New Year.

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