Living in the Past…

Here I am today 4 days away from what should have been Patrick’s 3rd birthday. This morning I cried uncontrollably I don’t why, bad news day is not for another 2 days and his birthday 2 more. Is it that it is Tuesday the actual day he was born and that is having more of impact on me than the actual date.

The days in the run up to his birthday I realise it will always have an impact on me no matter how many years pass by. The last days he was full of life safe inside me. The days he was overdue and I was so excited to meet him. The nights in recent days when I haven’t been able to sleep reliving the memories that will haunt me until the day I die.

My grief envelopes me with an over whelming sense of helplessness today. There is nothing I could have done to save him. The whispers of others…. has she not moved on it’s been 3 years, she never knew him to still be this upset, she has had other child she should be over it by now.

None of these unhelpful, unsupportive comments are good for a bereaved parent. From the moment you watch those two lines appear on that pregnancy test there is an instant bond, a bond that grows stronger as the weeks and months pass by. Everything you prepare for is done with complete unconditional love. Dates from the past will always have huge significance when you have lost your child. The day you found out you were pregnant, your first hospital appointment, the date of any scan you had watching the life inside grow. The day you heard those words I’m sorry…. and finally the day you meet your precious most loved, most wanted child.

I have spent the last few days fighting the ugly head of my grief. In the shops full of gifts sending of the message of love for Valentines. But I can’t cope because my heart was torn to shreds on February 14th when I last felt my baby move and made that fateful journey to the hospital to check if he was ok. Less that 34 hours later having my perfect, beautiful silent baby son placed in my arms after the most perfect labour. People, strangers around me giving me their sympathy.

I’m sorry if your feel the need to remark unhelpfully, but my child died.

This is something I will never get over, this is something I will never forget, this is something I have to live with for the rest of my life. Although my rainbow shines a light into my life on a daily basis she does not replace the child I lost.

If I want to cry today, I will.

If all I want to do is drink tea and be on my own, I will.

If I don’t want to see people, I won’t.

If I want to stay in bed all day, I will.

If you haven’t experienced what I have you will never understand, you will never understand my pain, you will never understand the emptiness, you will never understand what it is to continue to live everyday after. I wish I was the parent out shopping for the perfect 3 year old birthday present and card. Instead I will be remembering those days I got to hold you, be your mum and say goodbye. I will hold my other children closely and remember all they have lost out on in their missing sibling.

While I let the grief take over me for the coming days I know it too will pass and I will continue back to way things are, my life without you my beautiful Patrick.

Keeping dancing amongst those stars, ride the rainbows full of fun and send me some sunshine to let me know you are happy with your angel friends. What I wouldn’t give to share your birthday with you.

Moonlight kisses & shooting star hugs on your 3rd birthday my forever sleeping prince.

Love always Mom xxx 💙💙💙

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