The days, weeks and months are rolling into each other as life with our newest rainbow and toddler rainbow consume my days with endless feeding, changing and laundry. Things I yearned for in that first year without Patrick.
While my baby girls fill my heart with so much love and joy, I feel happier than I have for a very long time. But when I catch a quite moment lately one memory returns to turn my glint happiness into heartbreak again.
Whilst over the past 3 years flash backs have haunted my very being this one I am struggling with. My last visual goodbye to Patrick. This memory is playing clearly like a movie over and over. I see every little detail in the room. Laying him out so perfectly in his casket, rearranging the small items around him, his teddy, a letter, a lock of hair from all of us. Telling myself to be brave that I could do this.
Our friends who came to the house that morning had left for the church. There was just us myself, Paul and some of the children. In the bedroom the time had come to say our final visual goodbye before we sealed the casket. I touched, kissed and inhaled Patrick one last time. I asked Paul if he was ready, he turned to me, eyes full of heartbroken tears and said he couldn’t and left the room. I stood there alone having to be the bravest I had been over those few days and seal the casket. I will never know what gave me the strength to do it nor will I ever understand why I did it alone. I never asked. Maybe this memory was just all to painful to recall until now.
The pull back to these memories show you never truly forget anything, the grief and trauma never leave you. It’s how you chose to deal with it in that moment. I get an uneasy feeling and must pull myself back into today. This hasn’t helped my mood which swings from happy to anger and then despair and sadness when I’m alone. I’m sure my mind is telling me I need to process the trauma that I blocked out for all this time.
I try to imagine Patrick as a cheeky 3 year old, drawing on the walls, upending his toys, being the little boss of the house. I wonder if he had not have left us would I have his beautiful little sisters. Hope & Grace are a pair it’s clear to see. Hope adores Grace it’s like they were meant to be, that they were life’s plan. But does this mean Patrick was never meant for this world and that we would suffer a lifetime of heartache without him.
I love to sing and lately I’ve been singing a particular song to my babies as night time falls. It’s from the movie An American Tail (a favourite of mine growing up) it’s called Somewhere Out There. As I sing the lyrics I look to the stars and hope that my precious boy can hear me.
I’ll leave you with some of the lyrics
Love, light & strength
Anne Marie xx
Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone’s thinking of me and loving me tonight
Somewhere out there someone’s saying a prayer
That we’ll find one another in that big somewhere out there
And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishin’ on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we’re sleeping underneath the same big sky
💙Remembering forever our boys
Patrick 16th February 2016
Zac 20th January 2005💙